'When you love yourself and respect your self-worth, the universe and everybody in it will reflect that. Equally, when you feel unworthy and unloved, people will behave and reflect the vibration that you are exuding and will treat you in ways that correlate to that mind set. If you behave in ways that you would expect others to treat you and recognise when a person is not treating you to that same standard, you will be able to reject those that over-step your boundaries knowing that they are not the right person to be in your life. Allowing someone to mistreat you is only caused by you not intervening before you get hurt or abused. Being consciously aware of your boundaries will allow you to prevent situations that will cause pain and suffering to you. Otherwise, the universe will continue to provide similar people and situations into your life as a way of a hurdle for you to overcome. When you understand this, you will be able to see the positives from all occurrences as a way to grow and improve on who you are.'
In this latest newsletter, Sarah asks why she ends up falling for the bad guy that mistreats her and asks why do they always walk all over her? She has been in a relationship with a guy for the past two years. She loves to look after him and treats him well, yet doesn't feel it is reciprocated. At times, she feels ignored and not valued for everything she does for him. She has recently found out that he has been texting other people and has even found his profile on a dating app. She asks what to do because she doesn't want to lose him.
Hi Mindful Food Coach,
I wanted to write in because I am having trouble with my boyfriend of 2 years. I just feel that he doesn't treat the same as he used to. I do understand that it can't be as exciting as the first year of dating as the infatuation has worn off a little, but I just feel that he takes me for granted. I cook for him every day after working a full day, and make sure his favourite beer is in the fridge, and clean up after him etc, but I just don't feel like he appreciates it. He sometimes makes jibes at my cooking and complains it's not very nice.
A few months ago, I kept seeing messages popping up on his phone. He acted quite coy when this happened, and one time I saw that it was a notification from a dating app! I know this sounds kind of bad, but I had to see what was going on so I downloaded the app and made up a fake profile and managed to find him and we matched! I pretended to be this fake woman and he wanted to meet up and began talking dirty to me!
I couldn't believe what was happening, so I confronted him about it and he denied everything at first until he realised I had too much evidence and he couldn't get away with it. I said that it was over and we parted ways, but he kept bombarding my phone for weeks after, telling me how much he loved me and that he took us for granted and how much he missed me. I know this sounds kind of stupid when I am writing this but I took him back because I love and missed him too, and everything seemed good for a while. But I feel that it is hard to trust him and worry about what he is up to and who it is when he receives a text. I also feel that he is starting to take me for granted again and doesn't show much appreciation for the things that I do. I know something needs to change but I don't want to lose him! I feel that similar situations have arisen in previous relationships where people have taken me for granted. Maybe I a just an easy push-over! What would be your opinion on this?
Thank you and any help would be very much appreciated!
Thank you for your email. It is really important to understand that not all people will have the same standard of regard and integrity that you deem to be satisfactory in your life. That does not mean to say that you should be lowering your standards in any way, but it does mean that you should form relationships with people that are like-minded and have similar standards.
It is abundantly clear that your boyfriend does not share the same standards as you. The fact that you give to him by cooking and buying his favourite beer is a good trait to have. It shows that you care and value him and want to look after him. But you must also look to see if this is reciprocated in a relationship, otherwise you will begin to feel hard done by. It may be his character to not be as giving, but you need to decide whether this is satisfactory to you for your own desires and needs. It does not mean however that it is acceptable that he takes what you do for him for granted. You need to take a look at how he treats you and reflect on how much his behaviour shows he loves, values and respects you. Just because you have put up with his behaviour and become conditioned to accept how he treats you as a norm, this does not mean that you should feel it is acceptable to you, as it would not be acceptable to others that feel loved in their relationships.
The fact that he has been on a dating app and has potentially been meeting up with multiple girls behind your back is an indication of how much he values you. For me, cheating is a line that should never be crossed in a relationship. If you value monogamous relationships as it appears that you do, and he does not, then you need to think about why you are still in a relationship with someone like this. A person's integrity and how they show up in life generally does not change. It is really important to look at someone's actions rather than their words. He may have said a lot to get you back after you split up with him, but it is very difficult to believe his words when he has low integrity and when he is saying something in desperation because he does not want to lose you.
Even though he pleaded with you to take him back, you say that since, he has begun to fall back into his old ways and not take you for granted again. Once again, this is a sign to look at his actions and not his previous words. If he truly valued you, would he be taking you for granted in the way that he is? Ultimately, it is a choice for you to make as to whether you deem his behaviour to be acceptable. It is you that is allowing him to treat you in this way. There are many people that would have walked away a long time ago. By allowing this behaviour, it is going to attract more of the same behaviour into your life. You also need to ask yourself why you are allowing people to treat you this way? People that value themselves and their own boundaries will not put up with being mistreated. They have the strength to walk away from a situation and move towards what they want in their lives. People that do not value themselves tend to live in fear of not being good enough, or fear being alone, and will stick with a situation when it is beyond repair.
Even though it may be an extremely tough decision, I would say that it is time to stand up for your own self-worth and have the strength to know that he is not the right person to have a relationship with. In doing so, the universe will recognise this, and even if a similar situation occurs in the future, you will know you that is just another test that you can pass and recognise with ease, and have the strength to walk away to ultimately find a loving relationship with a man that values you and treats you the same as you value and treat him.
Good luck with your quest.
Mindful Food Coach
If you have any difficulties, whether in a relationship or a belief, that you would like to be published then send me an email of no more than 600 words to email@example.com and if chosen it will be published in a forthcoming newsletter. All published articles will be kept anonymous.