Chasing after being dumped


'"Have a mind that is open to everything and attached to nothing - Dr Wayne Dyer." Love relationships can reveal a lot about yourself and will always test and reveal your inner-most weaknesses. Being dumped when it is a unilateral decision by the other half is never easy. Yet, if you truly value yourself, you will take the time to re-evaluate what you did wrong, what you could have done better and to live in the present moment where pain cannot exist. Wanting a situation to be different from reality will always be the cause of pain and suffering. Whilst looking at the past to learn from mistakes is how to improve and be successful, living in the past via your thoughts will only be detrimental to both your body and mind. Truly loving someone is to allow them to be free to make their own choices even if you are not a part of those plans. Anything else is an emotional attachment and is a sign that the universe wants you to adjust your current outlook for inner growth.'

In this newsletter, John has written in because his girlfriend of 6 months recently dumped him. He says that things were going well, but life got in the way and he had not been showing enough interest in her. He is distraught because he feels he has lost the most important thing in his life and has been chasing her to try to win her back. Thus far this has not been a success and he asks for a solution.

Hi Mindful Food Coach,

I'm currently in a bad moment of my life. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for around 6 months. Everything was going fine, but I allowed work related issues to get on top of me (I'm a physiotherapist). I hadn't been spending so much time with her and took her for granted. At the beginning of the relationship she found me to be very cool and I didn't want to commit to an exclusive relationship, but when she threatened to stop dating me, I realised that she was the one for me. Everything was going really well for the first few months, but for the past couple of months I became complacent again and took my eye off of the ball.

At first, she was acting quite cold and not as loving as the previous months. But I was so caught up in work that I didn't realise how unhappy she was. But then she rang me one night and said that things were not working out and that she thought it was best we ended it. I was distraught and tried to reason with her but she wasn't listening to anything I was saying. I pleaded with her but she said she needed some space. I've been texting her but she doesn't reply to them, or if she does, it takes over a day for a response. She says she's unsure of how she feels. I feel that I have lost her and I don't know how to win her back. I don't know how to prove to her that she is all that I want. I already said to her that I really care about her and that I will pay more attention but nothing seems to be working. What should I do?

Many thanks,

John

Hi John,

Thank you for your email. I will give you my opinion and then you must go away and be true to yourself as to whether what I say resonates, even if it is hard to read.

You say that at first you didn't want to commit to an exclusive relationship. You need to reflect on why that was, because you then say that she was 'the one' for you. It appears that the value of your girlfriend suddenly increased in your eyes when you realised that she was not willing to wait around and be a lower priority in your life. If this is true, then you need to think about why this is. Having a scarcity mind set can play with what you truly value. Being unsure of whether you wanted to be exclusive with this woman could imply that you just weren't that into her from the very beginning. Sometimes our minds can play tricks on us when we fear being alone, or that we won't find anything as good, or better. In reality, there are so many choices of people to be in relationships with. It is impossible that there are not many women that are compatible for you.

The fact that she was acting cold and less loving should have been a warning sign for you. As men, we tend to bury our head in the sand and not pay attention to subtle cues that things are not as good as we may believe. It may have come as a shock to you when she abruptly ended the relationship, but in reality, this had been building momentum for some time. At this point there is little you can do to reason with her. Her mind is already set you do not care enough about her and your beginning is only causing her to lose attraction towards you even more. It is important that, as a man you re-centre yourself and your emotions. The more you chase, the more she will value you less and lose respect for you. It is clear that she has said that she needs some time to consider her feelings. The reason why you are afraid to give her that time is because you are in a fearful mind set that the longer you leave it, she may forget you or realise she is better off without you.

In reality, the best thing to do is to do the complete opposite of what you've been doing - give her the time to miss you and think about you. If needed, send her one last text and say that you have been doing a lot of thinking and have decided it is best to give you the space you need to consider how you feel, but let her know that you do care and that if she wants to talk that she can give you a call.

At this stage, do not contact her any more until she contacts you. If she doesn't then you know that she has moved on. Yet, if she still does have feelings for you she will realise that the only way to communicate with you is if she makes the first move. This will level the playing field and allow you to regain some value in her eyes. It will also give you some time to work on yourself. You need to re-centre yourself and work on what you enjoy doing by yourself. As Dr Wayne Dyer said: 'Have a mind that is open to everything and attached to nothing.' Attachments in relationships is never true love. You should allow her to have the freedom to choose to be with you as opposed to feeling forced. This is why you must give her that space, otherwise you risk chasing her out of your life for good.

Mindful Food Coach

If you have any difficulties, whether in a relationship or a belief, that you would like to be published then send me an email of no more than 600 words to mindfulfoodcoach@gmail.com and if chosen it will be published in a forthcoming newsletter. All published articles will be kept anonymous.

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